Tag Archives: fiction

#NeverStealAnotherWomansBoyfriend (or It Doesn’t Take Much to be a Social Media Expert)

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I went to a conference last week and ran into this woman I hadn’t seen in about 20 years.

Actually, she was the one who stole my college boyfriend. I have to say she looked like she had put on some weight…that, and her hair was really frizzy.

Trust me, I’m not being catty.

…Ok, well, maybe a little.

She deserves it as far as I’m concerned. If it weren’t for her, I’d probably have already been married and divorced by now.

So anyway we were talking and I said, “Mary, what kind of work do you do?”

And she says, “Well, I’m a social media consultant.”

I said, “Really? I am too. What a coincidence. What’s your Twitter name?”

The conversation was going ok until she said, “I’m going to be conducting a series of Twitter training sessions to get 200 people at this large agency downtown up to speed on Twitter.”

And I was like, “Wow, really, that sounds impressive, you must really be a rockstar on Twitter, I’m surprised I’m not following you.”

And she responded, “Well, actually, I just got on Twitter a month ago.”

Um…time out.  Excuse me? Seriously? Are you kidding?

As you can imagine, I was having a MAJOR disconnect. I mean, I’m an actual Twitter expert, and I don’t have a gig like that.

Anyway, we ended up exchanging business cards.

As. If. We. Liked. Each. Other.

Just as an aside, she could really use a higher quality business card. #canyousaycheesy

Anyway, the next day I get a call from her, and she says, “Since I’m starting that social media training tomorrow I was wondering if I could pick your brain. Can you show me Tweetdeck?”

Obviously, I was thinking, WTF, how is she going to teach Twitter if she doesn’t even know how to use something as basic as Tweetdeck?

So, at first, I almost said, yes, sure I’ll help you out (like an idiot) –  but then…

I came to my senses and said, “Well, unfortunately, I’m leaving in an hour to catch a plane to Geneva. I’m giving a social media lecture at a conference for 1000 global warming scientists. They want me to help them use social media to solve our climate crisis. So, sorry, but I think you might be able to pull up some good tutorials on Google. Ciao!”

After that, naturally, I was kind of pissed ‘cuz I wasn’t really going to Geneva. Are you with me?

I really needed to let off some steam, so I decided to walk into town.

I did a little window shopping, and then, after depositing my unemployment check, I sat on a bench, unwrapped the Swiss chocolate bar that I got at Walgreen’s, and sent her an @reply that said “Hey @Marysoandso, sorry I wasn’t available to teach you TweetDeck today.”

#faketweeps #ilookbetterthanshedoes #hewasbadinbedanyway

short story: beware of twougars

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So I met a guy on Twitter.  I was really digging him, even though I suspected he was a little younger.  Ok, maybe he was a lot younger.  But so what?

How young is too young anyway?

It wasn’t like demi and @aplusk for God’s sake. Well, ok, it kind of was, but seriously, what difference does it make? He was cute, over 18, and, it wasn’t planned. So that should count for something.

Stop being judgmental. K?

We just started @replying each other one day, and I thought he was really funny in a nerdy sort of way – I’m a sucker for these geeky Twitter types, ya know?

Anyway, things were progressing along. (Well, I confess, I was stalking him a little, but it wasn’t like I put his Twitter feed in my Google Reader or anything. At least…initially.)

Eventually, we started DMing and it was getting a little out of control. To be honest, nothing really happened, but there was a lot of twinnuendo if you know what I mean.

This went on for awhile and then one day we were DMing and it was getting pretty interesting, And, to be truthful, maybe a little hot.  I was really into it, but then all of the sudden I remembered that  I had to go to the dentist.  #Argh.

So I left the house and started texting my DMs directly to Twitter from my phone.

Anyway, I was in the waiting room at the dentist and this Beatles song came on — I think it was “She’s Got a Ticket to Ride” or actually, maybe it was “Sgt. Pepper” Anyway, I can’t remember. It was something from the Beatles.

So, I happen to mention to this guy this song just came on and he says “i don’t know it” and I wrote back, “how can that be? it’s the beatles!” and he says, “whatev. not really into beatles. bunch of old guys.”

And so, I write again, “not into the beatles? how can that be?” I guess I was thinking that if I repeated myself I might get a better answer the second time.

And he says, “i think my dad liked the beatles.”

Ok, so I knew this was a bad idea, but it just popped into my head and before I knew it I was typing back, “oh really? just out of curiosity how old is your dad?”

So he tells me, and it turns out that I’m nearly his dad’s age. So i’m thinking oh crap, this really sucks.  But then a lightbulb went off and I asked him, “are your parents still married?” and he wrote back, “no, they’re divorced.”

At the same time, in some kind of a crazy coincidence my girlfriend was DMing me.  So I recapped the story for her. Then, since I’m always trying to be funny and all, I wrote to her, “well, if things don’t work out between me and him, i could always date his dad. lol. ha ha.”

And, just as I pressed the send button, I realized that I forgot to put the damn “D” in front of her twitter name.

#soembarrassed #obviouslydesperate #feelinglikeatwougar #thisdateisover