Archive for category: fiction

Social Media Guru of the Month – Sign up today!

17 Aug
August 17, 2010

Is your social media guru getting a little stale?

Is he or she starting to repeat himself?

Is he filling the void with too much hot air and not enough new thinking about social?

Is she talking more about how she ‘tweets up’ with #rockstar tweeps like @unmarketing, @dannybrown or @lizstrauss than she is about your business issues?

Well, at PrincessTweep Laboratory, we’ve got the solution!

Starting now, for a low monthly fee of only $99, you can refresh your guru every month with our new service Social Media Guru of the Month.

It’s kind of like renting a handbag but instead of a Chloe you get a Guru!

Or for those of you who never heard of a Chloe, it’s like signing up for the beer for the month club – you drink what they’ve got to offer and when you’re done you throw them away!

What could be more thrilling than knowing that just as you tire of your Guru, a new one is on the way! Better yet, all of our gurus are available by SKYPE 24/7 – so you never have to actually go out of YOUR way to get their advice!

In fact, some like to say that is the of social media – endless dating without the annoying hassles of the long term commitment.

So what are you waiting for?

Have a specific need? You can choose from a variety of subspecialties: Facebook, Twitter, Foursquare, Gowalla, Friendster, and much, much more!  You can be more effective and spend more time on the golf course when you’ve got your Social Media Guru of the Month ready at your beck and call to answer your most pressing questions such as:

  • Does my company really need a social media strategy?
  • What’s the ROI on social media?
  • How can I tell a real social media guru from a phony one?
  • Has Zuck crossed over to the dark side?
  • Is Fivecircle the next Foursquare?

But wait, there’s more! Much More!

For an additional $49 a month, we’ll send you two gurus a month. In total, that’s only $74 per guru per month. Just imagine what you can do with two gurus! The possibilities are endless!

But wait, there’s EVEN more! Just sign-up today and we’ll throw in a complimentary 2011 Men of Social Media Calendar when they come out. Regardless of your orientation, there is something for everyone! And, if you’re asking yourself is she serious? Are our guys really “calendar grade?” Can they compete with the US Men’s Soccer Team? Judging from what we’ve seen — they sure can!!  In fact, we suspect that more than a few gals and guys will be wondering – “So is @PeteCashmore really as good looking as his avatar picture? I wonder what he’s wearing in the calendar?” or “why haven’t I been following @scottharrison?”

So what are you waiting for???? Call now for instant delivery. Or find us online at and review the profiles of our gurus for free!

Money back guarantee. Postage and handling extra. We take PayPal, Visa, Mastercard, American Express, iPad 3Gs, Androids and other assorted bribes.

Princess Tweep enters Tweehab After Tweeting Bender

04 Mar
March 4, 2010

Breaking News! On Thursday morning, Princess Tweep checked herself into the TweeHab Center in La Tweela, CA after an excessive tweeting bender that nearly killed her.

“I feel I owe it to my twibe to try to get better,” she said in a short statement, “I have a long road ahead of me. ”

This isn’t the first time that Tweep, who is best known as a trusted #FunAgent and acclaimed social media guru, has succumbed to the seduction of Twitter and the other social networking tools that have propelled her to internet fame and enormous popularity in social media circles.

Tweep did a stint at TweeHab back in 2008 after her boyfriend discovered her posting status updates to Facebook on her iPhone while hiding in his mother’s linen closet during a family dinner.

Then, in 2009, she spent two months in TweeHab after someone reported her repeatedly checking into Foursquare from each and every one of the restroom stalls at a large football stadium in attempt to ensure that she stayed at the top of the Foursquare rankings.

This time, Princess Tweep apparently took @GaryVee’s advice to heart and in an effort to Crush It she decided to take her personal brand to the next level by becoming the highest volume tweeter in history.

Unfortunately, no one could have imagined the consequences.

Here’s the bizarre story:

Over a one month period, Tweep tweeted out nearly 100,000 tweets to an audience of amazed followers.

“It was an incredible run,” said one admirer. “She’s a role model for all aspiring social media gurus.” said another. “I was in awe.”

However, as fate would have it she was closing in on 100k tweets when things took a turn for the worse.

Apparently, shortly after making her 99,999th tweet, Tweep was so excited and inspired by her own success that she fired up some Michael Jackson and started dancing joyously around her house in giddy anticipation of reaching her goal.

Suddenly, in a moment of outlandish recklessness, Tweep attempted to moonwalk while making the 100,000th tweet from her phone. Unfortunately, before she could press the send button, she inadvertently stepped on Mr. Twitty’s tail.  Here’s what happened next:

When the paramedics arrived, Tweep was only partially coherent.  Sources say she was laying on the floor with the speaker jutting out of her forehead. She could be heard faintly singing “Don’t Stop ‘Til You Get Enough” before passing out.

“I don’t think this is what Gary Vee had in mind when he said to “crush it.” said her best friend.

One of the paramedics said he had never seen a scene quite so shocking.

“Despite the injury, there was really nothing there. No blood, no nothing. Apparently, she had already tweeted out every thought she had and so, consequently, there was nothing left inside her brain. It was very disturbing.”

“The stress must have been incredible,” said one friend. “I’m not surprised she had nothing left. In the hours before the accident, she started recycling tweets, something she had never done in her 3 years on Twitter.  She was desperate.”

Some thought that a timely intervention could have prevented this accident in the first place.

One disillusioned fan explained, “As her popularity soared she had little time to lead a normal life due to the demands of keeping her twibe up to date with her every move. Witnesses say she eventually stopped eating, drinking and even showering because she didn’t want to let her twibe down.  Instead, she was fueled by the great sucking up sound of the twibe. It was sad to see her spiral downward like that.”

After being treated for a head wound, Tweep was taken to the Tweehab Center to begin several weeks of intensive therapy. The Twitter addiction program at the TweeHab Center is one of the finest in the country.

“She’ll have to relearn many pre-Twitter behaviors such as actually talking to people in person and walking without tweeting from her phone,” said the facility director.  “It’s very challenging case, but we expect her to fully recover.”

For those followers who want to send well wishes to Tweep, we’re sorry to inform you that you will have to send them the old fashion way, through snail mail.  Inbound and outbound Tweets are not allowed during Tweehab.  We’re sure you will understand that this is for the safety of the patient.

Stay tuned to this site for more updates and future in-depth analysis of this incredible story in the weeks to come.

Why Simply Chat When You Can Chatroulette Instead?

24 Feb
February 24, 2010

Twibe members,

Is regular text-based chatting leaving you a little flat? Are you tired of talking about Twitter on Twitter?

Maybe you’ve been looking for your next…er…creative outlet since realizing you were the only one left in Second Life?

We thought so.

That’s why we’d like to tell you about a new service called Chatroulette which lets you do video chat “roulette” with complete strangers, some of whom may be naked…or dressed as bunnies…or pirates. Seriously! #arghhh.

It’s at least as stupid as Russian Roulette but without the obvious downside.

No need to be concerned about privacy.  It’s all on the up and up — our trusted sources at Mashable tell us the site was created by a 17 year old Russian teenager.  We’re sure the security is rock solid.  But even if it isn’t, what difference does it make, really? Privacy is overrated anyway. Just ask Zuck.

Chatroulette is already hugely popular — at any given time there could be 20,000 other players! That’s a lot of video.  We’re guessing that you don’t want to be left out.  Are we right?

So what are you waiting for? Go and get dressed up and log on to Chatroulette!

And, remember, if the people you’re chatting with aren’t weird enough for you, you can always click on to the next weirdo! With guaranteed 24×7 access, we’re sure you’ll find your soul mate in no time.

We should note that when playing Chatroulette, people may get accidently disconnected or forget to share their contact information with people they would like to see again.   Don’t let this alarm you as it may be possible to find these people through other social networks.

As one Chatrouletter said,

“Sometimes I’m so busy showing off in front of the camera and thinking about myself that I forget to find out who I’m actually talking to. LOL.”

If you need to find someone, just check out the Chatroulette page at Missed Connections.

Chatroulette is catching on with celebrities too.  It’s not surprising that Ashton Kutcher is taking the lead, given his huge popularity on Twitter.  Apparently, he decided he didn’t have enough attention or meaningful things to do and so decided to take Chatroulette for a spin.  For the complete story, click here.

For those of you who are still skeptical or who still don’t understand what Chatroulette could do for you, we probably can’t help much since we won’t be trying it out. However, Princess Tweep put together a hypothetical chart of what you can expect from a spin on Chatroulette:

Anyway, that’s it for now. Good luck and happy chatrouletting.

Social Media Guru Robbed After Using Foursquare

19 Feb
February 19, 2010

Social media experts across the planet were shocked when they learned that one of their own was robbed after using Foursquare, the location-based social networking game.  It seems that the new service is to blame. helps robbers locate people who constantly tell everyone when they are away from home and, as such, deserve to be robbed.  For the shocking truth about this new service as documented by Mashable, click here.

It’s not clear whether Princess Tweep, who is best known as a leading #FunAgent, should be laughing or crying after robbers stole her relationship baggage from the closet in her guest bedroom.

“That baggage was with me for a long time. And, it’s played an important role in preventing me from moving forward with my life,” said Princess Tweep in a rare interview.

Witnesses say that Tweep might have been asking for this to happen since she invited robbers to take the relationship baggage earlier in the week.

“It was just a joke” said Tweep, defending her actions. “Everyone was doing it.”

So what precisely happened?

“Well, I was ‘checking in’ on Foursquare all over town today. I know it’s risky — but I lost one of my mayorships last week and I’m not going to let that happen again.” said Tweep. “Foursquare is very competitive.”

“When I came home, the door was ajar. It was strange, because I felt a little lighter, almost euphoric, upon entering the house – like a big weight was lifted off my shoulders.”

“I was overjoyed to finally be rid of all this baggage…until I realized they forgot something. I feel like the robbers were taunting me,” she said. “It’s just cruel to leave this behind.”

In a televised plea, Princess Tweep begged the robbers to come back and take the last remaining bag. “I’m happy to have it delivered to you. Just tweet me your location. No questions asked.”

Ironically, it’s Princess Tweep who may get the last laugh as the secondary market for relationship baggage is quite limited.  Said the Police Chief, “Chances are they will have trouble offloading it, and it’ll end up screwing up their lives like it did hers.”

When asked if the robbery will change her behavior in the future, Tweep replied:

“Yes, absolutely, next time I asked to be robbed, I’ll be more clear in my Tweets, so they do a better job..”


Google Releases gSpot Just in Time for Valentine’s Day

14 Feb
February 14, 2010

Google Releases gSpot Just in Time for Valentine’s Day

Despite current events, world happiness now at an all time high

For Immediate Release

February 14, 2010

It’s been a big week for Google. In the wake of Google Buzz (For Those Who Don’t Like Privacy™), and Google Fiber (Keeps the World Going and Going and Going™) Google released yet another powerhorse app to its growing suite of products.

This geolocation application, aptly named gSpot, was released this morning, just in time for Valentine’s Day.  gSpot shares a woman’s gSpot coordinates with all followers and automatically provides real time updates across all the major social networks and by text message.  By default it’s fully integrated with Gmail, Google Reader, and Google Buzz.

The gSpot site was intermittently down today as droves of women flocked to the site to claim the locations of their gSpots, while men set out to follow as many women as possible.

So far no concerns about privacy have been reported. In fact, women across the globe were thrilled to share this information.

Here are some quotes:

“It’s about time Google came out with something like this. It’s been a long, dry road up to now.”

“I finally have a chance for true satisfaction. Thanks Google.”

“If this is what social networking is all about, then count me in!”

Reaction from the men was equally as enthusiastic.

“This takes out the guesswork and saves time. It’s a win-win”

“What a great concept. It’s like gSpot for dummies. Ha Ha.”

“My home life has been SO much better after we tried gSpot. What a difference!”

In less than a day, the number of gSpot users has surpassed the number of Facebook users, proving that there is still plenty of room for another social network.