#NeverStealAnotherWomansBoyfriend (or It Doesn’t Take Much to be a Social Media Expert)

I went to a conference last week and ran into this woman I hadn’t seen in about 20 years.

Actually, she was the one who stole my college boyfriend. I have to say she looked like she had put on some weight…that, and her hair was really frizzy.

Trust me, I’m not being catty.

…Ok, well, maybe a little.

She deserves it as far as I’m concerned. If it weren’t for her, I’d probably have already been married and divorced by now.

So anyway we were talking and I said, “Mary, what kind of work do you do?”

And she says, “Well, I’m a social media consultant.

I said, “Really? I am too. What a coincidence. What’s your Twitter name?

The conversation was going ok until she said, “I’m going to be conducting a series of Twitter training sessions to get 200 people at this large agency downtown up to speed on Twitter.”

And I was like, “Wow, really, that sounds impressive, you must really be a rockstar on Twitter, I’m surprised I’m not following you.

And she responded, “Well, actually, I just got on Twitter a month ago.”

Um…time out.  Excuse me? Seriously? Are you kidding?

As you can imagine, I was having a MAJOR disconnect. I mean, I’m an actual Twitter expert, and I don’t have a gig like that.

Anyway, we ended up exchanging business cards.

As. If. We. Liked. Each. Other.

Just as an aside, she could really use a higher quality business card. #canyousaycheesy

Anyway, the next day I get a call from her, and she says, “Since I’m starting that social media training tomorrow I was wondering if I could pick your brain. Can you show me Tweetdeck?”

Obviously, I was thinking, WTF, how is she going to teach Twitter if she doesn’t even know how to use something as basic as Tweetdeck?

So, at first, I almost said, yes, sure I’ll help you out (like an idiot) —  but then…

I came to my senses and said, “Well, unfortunately, I’m leaving in an hour to catch a plane to Geneva. I’m giving a social media lecture at a conference for 1000 global warming scientists. They want me to help them use social media to solve our climate crisis. So, sorry, but I think you might be able to pull up some good tutorials on Google. Ciao!”

After that, naturally, I was kind of pissed ‘cuz I wasn’t really going to Geneva. Are you with me?

I really needed to let off some steam, so I decided to walk into town.

I did a little window shopping, and then, after depositing my unemployment check, I sat on a bench, unwrapped the Swiss chocolate bar that I got at Walgreen’s, and sent her an @reply that said “Hey @Marysoandso, sorry I wasn’t available to teach you TweetDeck today.”

#faketweeps #ilookbetterthanshedoes #hewasbadinbedanyway


  1. Svasti

    Gawd… anyone who’s spent any time on Twitter, Facebook, Foursquare etc seems to call themselves a ‘social media consultant’ these days! Apparently thousands of people have that wording or similar in their Twitter bio. Hilarious!

    I am a social media consultant too, only I do it gratis and on a small scale. I talk to the people I work with, friends and family etc about Twitter and other social media simply because I love it and can’t get enough of it.

    Your frenemy is pretty amazing to have scored the gig she got though, even if she did once steal your boyfriend.

    And nice save btw, nice save. I don’t think I would’ve been that creative but I definitely wouldn’t have helped her either 😉

  2. WellVersedMom

    Loved your post.

    I’m just getting up to speed on Twitter myself and amazed at all the tweeps with “Social Media Czar” or whatever in their bios.

    Loved the Swiss chocolate ending, too. Always good for what ails you.


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