Social media #funagent Tweep enlists help of former MySpace executives to help save Facebook from Google +

09 Jul
July 9, 2011

In what can only be perceived as a bad omen, potentially of epic proportions, Facebook lost approximately .0000000000000000001% of its daily visitors as people shifted their discussion of worn out social media observations and pictures of their lunch from Facebook to Google +.  Internet users around the planet were shocked, but not as shocked as Zuck, who didn’t lose any opportunity to jump on the bandwagon and save himself from himself.  Google + must be agreeing with him – we think he looks relatively happy compared to his usual, or maybe it’s just that the Winkelvoss twins have finally backed off.

While it appears on the surface as if a mass migration is taking place, our in–depth PLUS+™ investigation uncovered the truth — only social media gurus and early adopters have ventured over to Google +, while the rest of the world continued on with their daily lives in apparent oblivion. As one observant normal person said “Google plus what?” Princess Tweep tried to explain:

It’s not surprising that social tweeps are showing the love to Google +, despite the stupid name which requires the use the <shift> key.  That’s probably because Google is well, Google. The market is still optimistic that they’ll eventually hit it right someday with social networking.  And, it might as well be now because the pain of Google Buzz and Gspot are finally a distant memory.  Plus, let’s face it, there hasn’t been much to really talk about lately — that is if you exclude major world events. But, hey, as long as YOU have a job, who really cares about that stuff anyway?!

Anyway, in an effort to rescue Zuck from his fate as an obvious future has been, Princess Tweep could no longer sit on the side lines of Corporate America and watch from afar. She felt that she just had to take action.

However, let’s be clear that we’re not really sure about her true motivations. Was it really about Zuck? Some are hypothesizing that her interest in helping Zuck was more about her large investment in custom Facebook apps that were the “must have” toy of 2010. Others think she was just looking for attention and had felt that her fan base had forgotten about her during her time away, first in Tweehab,  then in Corporate America. Though, some claim her disappearance was really due to some previously undisclosed troubles resulting from her attempt to register her belly button as a Foursquare check-in spot. We’ll have to go into that another day. However, in an interview this week, Tweep claimed that she really just loves a great underdog story.  Remember Rocky?

We may never know her real reasons for helping Zuck, but we’re hearing that most members of the twibe, including an unusually large number of bill collectors, were happy that Tweep had reemerged.

So, after taking off her pantyhose and orchestrating an exuberant flash mob dance party in Times Square, to which more than 20,000 people showed up to help her celebrate the return of her altruistic spirit, she immediately contacted former MySpace and Friendster executives to pull them together for a planning session on exit strategies for Zuck in the event of Google world domination as a best case scenario.

One of the executives, who was sitting at home in his underwear watching old episodes of the Sopranos when the call came in, made his feelings clear:

In a display of unintentional irony, they met at an undisclosed coffee shop and participated in a Google Hangout session from their Xoom tablets.  We guess it never occurred to anyone that the meeting could be conducted remotely.  Also,  so as not to raise awareness of their activities among the other patrons,  only sign language was used for the video chat.  We’re trying to imagine this as no photos have turned up yet.  Unfortunately, we don’t know the salient details of the discussion, but we do know they were there for awhile, and after a lot of arm flailing they agreed on a plan which was uploaded to Google Docs.  We also know that considering the unfortunate circumstances of the group, Tweep graciously paid for everyone’s coffee.

So, have we learned any lessons here? The truth is no – we really don’t know much. It’s anyone’s guess as to what is going to happen to Facebook now that Google + is the new darling of social media.  We did hear a rumor that Princess Tweep may be hedging her bets after some blurry photos of a hoodie wearing Tweep emerged from the security cameras at Google HQ.

Next week: Princess Tweep rallies around Twitter as + sized fears migrate to other platforms.

Social Media Guru of the Month – Sign up today!

17 Aug
August 17, 2010

Is your social media guru getting a little stale?

Is he or she starting to repeat himself?

Is he filling the void with too much hot air and not enough new thinking about social?

Is she talking more about how she ‘tweets up’ with #rockstar tweeps like @unmarketing, @dannybrown or @lizstrauss than she is about your business issues?

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What could be more thrilling than knowing that just as you tire of your Guru, a new one is on the way! Better yet, all of our gurus are available by SKYPE 24/7 – so you never have to actually go out of YOUR way to get their advice!

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Princess Tweep Returns to Corporate America

25 Jul
July 25, 2010

In an astounding development, Princess Tweep was finally released from Tweehab and contrary to all expectations has taken the unusual step of returning to Corporate America.

“I feel it’s for the betterment of my twibe — I’m setting an example to all who follow in my footsteps and taking a practical approach in 2010.  We’re dealing with a down economy and I need to help support the tax base of the twibe.  I urge all my fellow tweeple to go back to work, even if it means having to get up at the crack of dawn on a regular basis.”

Bystanders say that Tweep spent a lot of time reading the Wall Street Journal while in Tweehab and that given her delicate condition, it’s not surprising that she sold out to work for “the man.”

Tweep counters that argument by saying that she had plenty of time to read Vanity Fair while in Tweehab not just the WSJ, and that, for the record, she is working for “the woman” not “the man.” Big Difference. Further, this new endeavor should help her control her tweeting habit because, after all, in Corporate America people are working not tweeting.

In any event, throngs of twibes tweeple lined the street to wish her success in her new venture.

Initial reports from the front lines are right in line with expectations:

Did you know that more than 50% of corporations block access to social networks? Find out more here.

Princess Tweep enters Tweehab After Tweeting Bender

04 Mar
March 4, 2010

Breaking News! On Thursday morning, Princess Tweep checked herself into the TweeHab Center in La Tweela, CA after an excessive tweeting bender that nearly killed her.

“I feel I owe it to my twibe to try to get better,” she said in a short statement, “I have a long road ahead of me. ”

This isn’t the first time that Tweep, who is best known as a trusted #FunAgent and acclaimed social media guru, has succumbed to the seduction of Twitter and the other social networking tools that have propelled her to internet fame and enormous popularity in social media circles.

Tweep did a stint at TweeHab back in 2008 after her boyfriend discovered her posting status updates to Facebook on her iPhone while hiding in his mother’s linen closet during a family dinner.

Then, in 2009, she spent two months in TweeHab after someone reported her repeatedly checking into Foursquare from each and every one of the restroom stalls at a large football stadium in attempt to ensure that she stayed at the top of the Foursquare rankings.

This time, Princess Tweep apparently took @GaryVee’s advice to heart and in an effort to Crush It she decided to take her personal brand to the next level by becoming the highest volume tweeter in history.

Unfortunately, no one could have imagined the consequences.

Here’s the bizarre story:

Over a one month period, Tweep tweeted out nearly 100,000 tweets to an audience of amazed followers.

“It was an incredible run,” said one admirer. “She’s a role model for all aspiring social media gurus.” said another. “I was in awe.”

However, as fate would have it she was closing in on 100k tweets when things took a turn for the worse.

Apparently, shortly after making her 99,999th tweet, Tweep was so excited and inspired by her own success that she fired up some Michael Jackson and started dancing joyously around her house in giddy anticipation of reaching her goal.

Suddenly, in a moment of outlandish recklessness, Tweep attempted to moonwalk while making the 100,000th tweet from her phone. Unfortunately, before she could press the send button, she inadvertently stepped on Mr. Twitty’s tail.  Here’s what happened next:

When the paramedics arrived, Tweep was only partially coherent.  Sources say she was laying on the floor with the speaker jutting out of her forehead. She could be heard faintly singing “Don’t Stop ‘Til You Get Enough” before passing out.

“I don’t think this is what Gary Vee had in mind when he said to “crush it.” said her best friend.

One of the paramedics said he had never seen a scene quite so shocking.

“Despite the injury, there was really nothing there. No blood, no nothing. Apparently, she had already tweeted out every thought she had and so, consequently, there was nothing left inside her brain. It was very disturbing.”

“The stress must have been incredible,” said one friend. “I’m not surprised she had nothing left. In the hours before the accident, she started recycling tweets, something she had never done in her 3 years on Twitter.  She was desperate.”

Some thought that a timely intervention could have prevented this accident in the first place.

One disillusioned fan explained, “As her popularity soared she had little time to lead a normal life due to the demands of keeping her twibe up to date with her every move. Witnesses say she eventually stopped eating, drinking and even showering because she didn’t want to let her twibe down.  Instead, she was fueled by the great sucking up sound of the twibe. It was sad to see her spiral downward like that.”

After being treated for a head wound, Tweep was taken to the Tweehab Center to begin several weeks of intensive therapy. The Twitter addiction program at the TweeHab Center is one of the finest in the country.

“She’ll have to relearn many pre-Twitter behaviors such as actually talking to people in person and walking without tweeting from her phone,” said the facility director.  “It’s very challenging case, but we expect her to fully recover.”

For those followers who want to send well wishes to Tweep, we’re sorry to inform you that you will have to send them the old fashion way, through snail mail.  Inbound and outbound Tweets are not allowed during Tweehab.  We’re sure you will understand that this is for the safety of the patient.

Stay tuned to this site for more updates and future in-depth analysis of this incredible story in the weeks to come.

Why Simply Chat When You Can Chatroulette Instead?

24 Feb
February 24, 2010

Twibe members,

Is regular text-based chatting leaving you a little flat? Are you tired of talking about Twitter on Twitter?

Maybe you’ve been looking for your next…er…creative outlet since realizing you were the only one left in Second Life?

We thought so.

That’s why we’d like to tell you about a new service called Chatroulette which lets you do video chat “roulette” with complete strangers, some of whom may be naked…or dressed as bunnies…or pirates. Seriously! #arghhh.

It’s at least as stupid as Russian Roulette but without the obvious downside.

No need to be concerned about privacy.  It’s all on the up and up — our trusted sources at Mashable tell us the site was created by a 17 year old Russian teenager.  We’re sure the security is rock solid.  But even if it isn’t, what difference does it make, really? Privacy is overrated anyway. Just ask Zuck.

Chatroulette is already hugely popular — at any given time there could be 20,000 other players! That’s a lot of video.  We’re guessing that you don’t want to be left out.  Are we right?

So what are you waiting for? Go and get dressed up and log on to Chatroulette!

And, remember, if the people you’re chatting with aren’t weird enough for you, you can always click on to the next weirdo! With guaranteed 24×7 access, we’re sure you’ll find your soul mate in no time.

We should note that when playing Chatroulette, people may get accidently disconnected or forget to share their contact information with people they would like to see again.   Don’t let this alarm you as it may be possible to find these people through other social networks.

As one Chatrouletter said,

“Sometimes I’m so busy showing off in front of the camera and thinking about myself that I forget to find out who I’m actually talking to. LOL.”

If you need to find someone, just check out the Chatroulette page at Missed Connections.

Chatroulette is catching on with celebrities too.  It’s not surprising that Ashton Kutcher is taking the lead, given his huge popularity on Twitter.  Apparently, he decided he didn’t have enough attention or meaningful things to do and so decided to take Chatroulette for a spin.  For the complete story, click here.

For those of you who are still skeptical or who still don’t understand what Chatroulette could do for you, we probably can’t help much since we won’t be trying it out. However, Princess Tweep put together a hypothetical chart of what you can expect from a spin on Chatroulette:

Anyway, that’s it for now. Good luck and happy chatrouletting.